First of all I do not believe that all cops are incompetent bastards.  However, I do believe that they need to get back to community policing and being involved with their neighbors.  They also need better training which doesn't come with de-funding. I know several retired officers and respect them greatly.  I normally don't have any interactions with police unless I'm driving over the speed limit - such as my Wyoming adventure and the excellent officer "Homer" who ticketed me for 10-15 over the speed limit - what can I say Wyoming has some very sweet roads, it's a good thing I was driving a Nissan and not the awesome Dodge Challenger that I've rented in the past or it would most likely have been 20+over. 

My white dad raised me that if I was pulled over I was to immediately turn off my loud music, roll down my window and put my hands on the steering wheel.  Don't reach in the glove box for insurance and registration.  Don't dig in your purse for your license.  Just sit there with your hands on the steering wheel and wait.  He had experienced a lot of issues with the police when he was younger and being profiled for his missing arm.  Apparently missing limbs back then made you a threat or incompetent to drive, maybe even both.

 

This post isn't about my perceived white privilege though.  This post is about my future son-in-law and the father to be of my future grand children.  FYI he is a POC or a young black man who had a really bright future until May of 2020.

 

I should title this post #howtofckupablackmanslife Here is a bit of an update on the kids - as well as Koda, Theo and even Mina  #meetthedogs

T is out on bond with the requirement that he not be in Wayne county except to remove items from the house. The house is on the market - for way less than the kids had planned - due to this. They've found another place to purchase when the house sale goes through but until then they are spending the summer camping with the dogs. Any rental place that would take Theo (pittie mix) wont take Koda because he's too big (somewhere over 90 pounds). Even if they found a place that would take the dogs there is the matter of T's felony charges (which again eliminate a number of rental opportunities).

The kid has discovered that making deliveries pays more than saving peoples lives so for now that is what she is doing. T is finding it impossible to find a job in the industries that he was working in or progressing to because of these charges.

If you look back over the years you will see how glad I was that the neighborhood she chose to call home was so welcoming. I don't like to mention race (because it shouldn't matter) but she was the only white person in the neighborhood when she first moved there. She bought the house sight unseen for $1000 (less than a months rent in the Portland OR area) with the dream to make it her forever home and base of operations to restore more homes in the area. Her plan on the restored homes was to keep them affordable for people to buy or single parents to rent at reasonable rates.

The lady behind her house was a retired police sergeant. Her family came over with cold lemonade and a lamp when she realized it would help the kid out. The lady across the street had been in the neighborhood since the early 60s and raised her kids there as well as many foster kids. We talked a bit about the 12th Street Riots because she had witnessed them.  I had the privilege of attending her birthday party while I was there and meeting several members of her family. Again they were extremely welcoming. The retired navy guy kitty corner helped in so many ways though I found it weird that he wouldn't even come up on the porch - he didn't want to create any perception of impropriety since it was just the kid and I (and the dogs) at the house.

She met T while they were both training to become EMTs and serve their communities further. T was in the process for applying and interviewing for law enforcement positions when this all went down.

It seems that the white couple that moved in across the street from her decided to paint her and T as anti-community and anti-police when they started spouting their bs. The old lady of the couple decided to tell the police that they wouldn't talk to the police and would actively avoid them. She also told them that the dogs were aggressive.

The upshot of this is that because he went over to talk - and find out what their problem was - to the black woman and her guy who had threatened to shoot KC and Koda when they were on the porch one day for "not belonging in the neighborhood and needing to learn her place" their lives are currently in limbo with the potential of his being permanently f'd.  How many years does it take for someone to belong in a neighborhood? 

As someone with a licensed conceal carry permit, his weapon was in the car, when a large group of people started charging at him he did what anyone in their right mind would do and that is to secure his weapon so that no one else gained control of it.

Do you know what pisses me off the most about this is that I had considered gifting them with a https://www.uslawshield.com membership at Christmas and I didn't do it. It would have been the best $240 I had spent last year. FYI so far legal costs are $12k and rising. That is not an affiliate link and I do not receive any commission or anything else for sharing it. U.S. & Texas LawShield, their program is something I will definitely be adding to my arsenal of legal protections though.

Mina is in the picture above, this was taken while we were waiting for the vet to do another laser treatment on her rear foot.  The police in Detroit's 10th District shot her while she was sitting in front of the puppies kennel - apparently because she was aggressive?  Bullets travel in a straight line so with the fur burn where the bullet skimmed her front shoulder and the wound in the paw - as well as the bullet embedded in the floor she was sitting when they shot her.  Any other position would not have resulted in that bullet trajectory and final location.  We haven't seen any bodycam footage from that though we've seen plenty of other body cam footage - which The more research I do about Detroit Police's tendency to shoot dogs for any reason the more I'm glad that I still have Mina.  The vet bills were about $2500 and no matter what the officer that I spoke to on the phonce said it's not "just a toe".  She used to love to play with the kids and their squirt guns, catching the water in her mouth.  Now she is so terrified of them (even the space ray ones) that she hides behind someone if they are playing with them.  

My heart is breaking for the family of the latest dog shooting by police in Detroit's 9th District.  When I read that one police officer that apparently floats among the different districts has shot 80+ dogs in the course of their career that tells me that Detroit Police really need to work on their training.  

Did you know that since 1776 there have only been 6 officer deaths reported due to dog bites?  The last of those was in 1936 and his name was Jackson Pinkett Bennet.  The dogs didn't maul them or bite out their throats each of those six dogs was infected with rabies which the officers caught and did not survive. 

I will be doing a live gemstone/jewelry sale on Zoom Sunday.  Follow facebook.com/heliopolisrocks to get the details.  I will be setting aside 40% of sales to go towards their legal fund and another 10% to a gofundme account for Makiaa Slade - a young 9 year old North Carolina girl killed by bullets from an unknown assailat that hit her mom's car.  For me money is only as important as the good that it can do for people.  If I can help just a bit I will do that.

 

 I wrote this awhile ago and was debating posting it since there are ongoing legal challenges involved.

The call I didn’t receive – Mom, Mom, Mom, I’m so sorry.  You know how she called the other day and said that neighbor yelled out to her that they were going to shoot her and Koda because they didn’t belong in this neighborhood?  You told her to call the police to report it and we didn’t because they never answer the 911 calls in this area anyway?   We just decided to fix up the other house and move in a few weeks.  Mom the cops are here right now.  Koda and her were outside and those same people that threatened to shoot her did it.  Mom, I don’t know what to do.  If it was anyone else I’d be right there, putting pressure on the wound.  Mom, the bullets hit them.  Mom, you need to get up here now because they don’t think she is going to pull through.  Mom, I’m so sorry we screwed up and I don’t know what to do.

The call I didn’t receive – Is this Mrs Ludington?  This is the Detroit Police Department.  There’s been a fatality.  We served a warrant on your daughter’s house and during the service of this warrant there was gunfire.  I’m sorry to tell you that neither of the occupants of the house survived.  There were also two animal fatalities because they wouldn’t let the officers near the deceased.  There is a dog that was in the kennel who has been transported by animal control.

The call I did receive – “Mom, someone broke into the house while we were gone and animal control has the three dogs.  I’m on the other phone with 911 trying to report the break-in.  Mom 911 hung up on me and there are cops all around the house guns drawn” I can hear her shouting now “My hands are in the air.  What is going on?  You do not have the right to touch me.  My hands are in the air”.  Then a dead line.

After the call dropped and I wasn’t getting an answer when I tried her number again I made a call to the local precinct, figuring there had to be some error.  “There are people with guns drawn at my daughters house. I need to know if it is the police there or not.”  The receptionist “I don’t have that kind of information.  If you think it is something that needs reported you need to call 911”.    Me “I’m in North Carolina and was on the phone with my daughter when the line went dead.  911 doesn’t work from here which is why I’m calling you.”  Receptionist “I can’t help you” then the phone went dead.

Then about an hour later I received another call.  “Mom I don’t know what’s going on.  The police arrested Taylor and I don’t know what to do.  We need an attorney.  Mom they broke in the side door and destroyed the front metal security door.  Mom I don’t know what to do. Mom will you talk to me for awhile.  I don’t feel safe here tonight.  Mom, while the police were handcuffing Taylor one of them made a comment that a call had come in about excessive force being used and they just laughed. The police trashed everything and I’m trying to find my wallet.  They took the rifle and the ammo that was in the safe, they left the ammo that was in the store bag right next to the rifle.  Mom they took the dogs.  Mom, they said I could go get the dogs in the morning and it wouldn’t cost anything to get them back from animal control.  Mom, mom, oh my god mom, there’s blood on the floor.  Mom I think they hurt one of the dogs, there’s more blood.  They said that the dogs were all fine and that I just needed to pick them up in the morning.  Mom there’s a spent bullet on the floor, more blood, so much blood.  Mom they shot one of the dogs, it jumped over the door barricading the sunroom, there’s a huge pool of blood on the bags of concrete.  Mom I don’t know whether they shot Koda or Mina but mom the police lied, there’s no way the dogs are all fine.  Mom, T’s calling I’ll call you back.

A bit later she called back.  “Mom T says that they showed him a picture of Koda and told him the dogs are all fine.  Why are the police lying?  One of them isn’t fine.  They shot one of the dogs mom.”

As most of you know by know the dog that was shot was Mina.  There was some worry that she would lose her toe or foot due to the damage and possibility of infection.  It’s been just over three weeks now and she’s recovering well.  It helps that I was able to afford top notch veterinary care.

With the news talking about Breonna Taylor and her death at the hands of police serving a no-knock warrant on March 13, 2020 for someone that wasn’t even a resident at her house.  How Breonna and Kenneth Walker woke up thinking there were intruders breaking in, causing him to shoot and the police – who hadn’t identified themselves – to return fire.

When I think that I could have been the mom receiving the call telling me my daughter was dead my heart breaks.   Breonna was just a bit younger than KC, 49 weeks and 1 day.  Both Breonna and KC chose to be EMTs.  Both of the men they loved were men of color who had concealed carry permits.

As mad as I am at the Detroit Police for their handling of the incident at my daughter’s house – seriously who serves a warrant like that on a house where neither of the residents (regardless of skin color) has ANY criminal history.  When she was on the phone talking to me T was going through the house with his legally owned pistol in his hand to make sure that whoever had broken in wasn’t still there.  I am so glad that he set the gun down on the upstairs landing when he heard her say it was the police at the door.  If he had walked down there unaware with that gun in his hand I do not believe he would be alive today, I also don’t have much faith that she would be either. 

These two young EMTs were restoring one of the houses in Detroit.  She had bought the house before they met.  When we went to the house the first time I told her NEVER wear your TSA uniform or branded gear in this neighborhood – keep the uniform covered in a bag when you come and go from this house.  When she lost the TSA job due to an illness and being on probationary period at the time, I actually let out a sigh of relief.  I didn’t think about EMT uniforms being a problem but who knows why that person threatened to shoot her and Koda unless they didn’t like the shade of her skin or had seen the EMT uniforms and not realized that meant these two were the people that you wanted living in your neighborhood – especially with the poor 911 response time.

Yes, the police officers need someone reigning them in.  There needs to be more limits and doublechecks before any warrants are issued that involve them breaking in doors on someone’s house.  If someone has passed the background check for a concealed carry permit – it must mean that the government believes them to be fairly stable people.  Why then, didn’t the police just knock on the front door and say we’ve had a complaint and we need you to come down to the station with us?

The police should never shoot anyone in the back or hold them down in such a way that they can’t breathe or die.  However, I do not believe that all police officers are bad apples.  I believe that most of them go into the field, as my future son-in-law had planned, to improve their communities.  I would hope that is especially true of men of color who choose to enter the field of law enforcement. 

For those of you that think social workers can handle the domestic violence calls, why?  Why would you think that someone going to one of those situations unarmed would be a good thing?  How many officers die in the line of duty answering those calls?  How many are shot just knocking on the door?  Are you going to send a female social worker to the scene?  Hope that someone that enjoys beating his wife wont do the same to her? Are you going to send a male there?  Hope that the person that is beating on their spouse/significant other isn’t immediately jealous and attack them?

There are schools that abuse police resources.  The police should never be called to handcuff a six year old because the school can’t control them.  That’s when you call the parents.  There was a school recently that called the police to search a students house because the online class meetings happened to show a bb gun stowed properly and they decided that their on-campus rules regarding no firearms should also apply to that families home.  So now we have schools teaching kids to fear the police instead of teaching them that the police are the people you go to for help.

We need police, we need police that we can trust to treat each person with dignity and respect because contrary to what T heard while he was in detention, not charged with anything at this point, even criminals have rights. We need police that are properly equipped and trained to handle tense situations.  We need police that know how to handle the weapons that they are entrusted with.  We need police that know how to use words to de-escalate situations.  We also need police that know when to use possible lethal force.

This means we need police that undergo continuous training and psychological evaluations.  We need police that play ball with kids in the park, visit the schools and interact with children at a young age.  We need police that participate in the coffee with a cop events that local restaurants host. 

What we don’t need is politicians and bureaucratic bloat – all of these politicians talking about defunding the police need to have any security provided by the police removed.  If those politicians choose to hire private security guards it should be at their own expense and not be funded by any of their campaign “war” funds.  

All of the actors, musicians, speakers, etc that are telling the world to defund police, that utilize police as security at their events or to direct traffic to/from these events need to not have access to them.

We don’t improve our species by pushing others down or treating them as lesser than.  We improve our species by helping each other up when we can, teaching the younger generations better, kinder ways to do things.

 Why can't we just be kinder to each other?  Is it really that hard?

I don't know how many of you really understand how hard last year was for me. I wasn't sure if my brain was up to doing my electronics work again after leaving my former company in 2015. I actually thought I would have to go on disability for awhile and was in the process of fighting my way through that mess. (denied, denied, and it was pending a review that wasn't going to be heard until August of this year at the earliest).

I have this small problem with the fact that I really like having a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head. My energy levels weren't up to running the photography business and the jewelry business and all the networking and running around that those entailed. I was overwhelmed and seriously at my breaking point several times during this.

On October 10th I was going to be driving across country to stay with a friend while I figured out what I was going to do.  I had no money - a vehicle that needed a bit of help and absolutely no idea how I was going to survive until August.

 

On  I was offered a position with a company that allows for some travel and relocation as I desire. It seemed absolutely perfect - they wanted me to start immediately or sooner. I was set to start October 18th well the day before the position started I was told there was problems with the job requisition. It was on hold and they would keep me in the loop. So now I'm waiting I can't really keep job hunting because I accepted this offer (yay I actually had health benefits because they put me on the payroll already but I had no paycheck yet).

It's November and I'm still waiting - tentatively scheduled to start the week after Thanksgiving. More delays. Now it's December I'm stressing (which isn't good for the old MS) and just at the point I'm getting ready to think the new job won't take effect until 2017 I get an actual start date (and start).

Can I be I and you be you?

Can I be I and you be you?


Can you be I and I be you?

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know that you have a lot of requests to answer this year and I wish that mine was as simple as a new doll or toy. Unfortunately, when you've grown up that isn't always what one needs to make it into the New Year.

I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep at night because I feel like such a failure. Unfortunately that seems like all I've done for the last several weeks.

I really don't want a lot and don't expect anyone to give me anything that I don't have to work for but I'm just so tired of struggling to get by lately. I know that I'm not the only one that feels this way and that there are actually people that have it a whole lot worse than I do. I'm currently sitting in a nice warm house (not mine) in front of a computer (again not mine). But I do have a roof over my head (for now) and I had a nice warm dinner tonight. So again probably not the worst story you'll hear this year.

I really miss having a job that I loved that allowed me to support myself and my child. Luckily the kid is starting their own life and off to college. Unfortunately, I'm not able to help out like I had planned.

I've always considered giving my time more important than giving my money to charities or non-profits but now I don't feel like I can be positive enough to volunteer someplace without bringing everyone else around me down and I definitely don't have the money to donate. Please have the non-profits not send me anymore year end donation appeals, they just make me feel that much worse right now.

Lately it seems that every time I cut back expenses or try to set just a little bit aside something happens so that my income ends up cut in half...again. How many times can you cut something in half before it ends up practically nothing. I am bringing in less now in a month than I was paid for half a week at my original job.

I don't expect to win the lottery...Though that would be really nice. I would just love one of the many jobs that I've applied for that will get me back into a field that has potential for growth to hire me. I'm fairly intelligent, semi-presentable in public, willing to work hard, and don't mind long hours.

I'm not even asking you for someone in my life. So, yes I do mention it to my friends, passing it off as a joke that I would love nothing more than to find that Santa put a living breathing person in my Christmas stocking this year. But that wouldn't be fair to the person or myself. I've given up on someone ever actually falling in love with me. It isn't that I'm unlovable (at least I try not to be) but I'm so used to being on my own that I don't know if I would even know how to be part of a couple at this point.

So I guessing after all that whining in the letter up above if you haven't totally tuned me out; because there really are many other people in the same situation or worse; that there is only one thing I want from you for Christmas this year.

HOPE

With just a little bit of HOPE so many things are possible:

I can have HOPE that 2012 will be better than the last several years.

I can have HOPE that when the phone rings it will be that job offer that I need right now.

I can have HOPE that just maybe someone will come into my life that makes me feel loved.

I can have HOPE that I wont be a failure anymore.

I can have HOPE for so many things that just aren't there right now.

If you can't give me HOPE could you please give PEACE.

I know that PEACE is probably a much taller order than HOPE and that there are too many hurt and angry people in this world for that right now but if everyone practiced PEACE for even one day it would be so much nicer.

Sincerely,

Me

Someone that is feeling extremely HOPEless right now

Survival

It's one of those days again.  I can hear the thunder outside.  Why is it that thunder and lightening at night is awesome, impressive, etc but during the day it is just depressing?

Over a year ago I was laid off of a job that I really loved.  The atmosphere at work sucked though.  We had already gone through several rounds of layoffs over the last several years and though we hoped that there weren't anymore coming nobody knew for sure.  Never talk to your boss about future plans when you are frustrated at work.  I was pissed that somebody I had trusted to take care of what should have been a quick five minute edit as I was leaving for a week of volunteer work didn't do it. 

In fact from the sounds of the shit storm I walked into when I got back this person didn't even mention that I had said the edit needed to be made.  If I hadn't been catching a ride with someone else to this volunteer event I would have made it myself but was already running late.  Someone with a higher title than I should have easily been able to make such a simple fix (especially when I had told them exactly what and where as I was passing down information before leaving).

This last year has been both hell and a learning experience.

1. Hell because I was laid off (loved the job and income both).
2. My mother went into hospice at the beginning of July 2009 and passed away on the 19th.
3. Realizing that some relatives live exclusively for drama and insist that everything revolve around them.  They didn't care that their mother had lost a daughter or that children/grandchildren had lost their (grand)mother.  All this person cared about was herself and wasn't willing to be part of a supportive base for everyone else.
4. Caught swine flu while trying to attend college and prepare her memorial (delayed till October so family could all be there)
5. Found out that my extreme exhaustion (possible depression) wasn't necessarily related to MS but was probably related to a severe Vitamin D deficiency.
6. Received a call just after midnight on Mother's Day 2010 that my grandmother had passed away.  Losing her daughter and her best friend in the previous 10 months was too much for her on top of hte cancer.
7. Found out my former job was posted and applied for it.  Haven't heard word one from anyone.  I know I am qualified (they are only asking for five years experience I have almost eleven.)  It's been a month since I first contacted them about the job.  I wouldn't have even applied if both my former manager and the manager of the group with the posting hadn't encouraged it when I called.  If I was someone that they didn't know applying I would easily accept not hearing back from them but these are people I have worked for/with in the past and I would just like them to say something.
1. Don't contact us again (we wouldn't ever want you working for our company again)
2. We don't feel at this time that we are interested in you working for us.  Give us a call when you finish your latest degree program.
3. Or best of all...Sorry we didn't mean to make you wait we just didn't realize until we received your resume that you would even still be available and we are discussing which group we really want to place you in.
8. Kid turned eighteen this year and has decamped the house with plans to make her own way in the world without her horrible mother (who should have let wolves raise her because they would have been better at it) imposing on her life anymore.
9. Unemployment sucks.  
1. You are trying to squeak by on this amount that is just about the foodstamp cutoff limits.  
2. You have to go through a new waiting week every year even though you have signed up for the two year schooling plan.  
3. Everytime you think you are just about caught up to where you need to be they pull some new trick to deny your weekly claim.  (which causes late fees and pissed off creditors and landlords)
4. I understand why some people choose to be homeless.
1. I could live in my car (no utilities, no rent)
2. Living expenses would drop to about $400 a month ($300 + Storage Shed+PO box)
3. If my unemployment was f'd up again it wouldn't really matter.
4. Disadvantage --Showering facilities
5. The more I think about it the more tempting it becomes.

Typing this out was actually very cathartic.  I was balling my eyes out tempted to slit my wrists (wouldn't because it is messy and I would hate for anyone to find me like that).  Now not crying anymore and going to go out and run some errands.

Who knows maybe there will be some good news for me for a change when I get home.  A person can only tolerate so much bad shit in their lives before they break.

Hope @ 2:30 pm

In the bright light of day where the weather is hovering around sixty degrees and a slight breeze blows every so often I sit outside listening to the sounds. I can hear the ponds waterfall splashing down.  The occasional bird chirps in the background. The squirrels chase each other along the wooden fence and up and down the trees.  My dogs are a little peeved at the moment.  It is kind of hard to enjoy nature with the dogs chasing each other or the squirrels.  So right now they are sitting in the house gazing plaintively out the window their eyes and occasional barks and yips just pleading with me to let them outside.

Today is one of those days where it is almost impossible to be sad or depressed. Everything is so bright and fresh.  The grass is lush and green.  The coffee is perfect.  Just a touch sweet with a dash of cream.  As I sit here I figure it is a great time to write something a little more upbeat than my last post.  The opposite of fear is hope so that is where I will start.

I hope that I have the courage to face whatever challenges each day may bring me.
I hope that my daughter and I can move past this cantankerous stage (on both our parts).
I hope that my grandmothers both deal well with their own health issues in the coming months.
I hope that my dad takes better care of himself so that one day when my daughter is ready to make her life's commitments he will be there to see them .
I hope that all of my family realizes how much I love them.  Though I will admit that there are some I can never like again.
I hope a cure for MS and several other neurological malfunctions can be found soon.  I find it hard to think of MS as a disease. To me diseases are contagious. While there is the possibility that MS is hereditary if I sneeze on you, you aren't going to fall ill with MS.  Malfunction seems a much better word choice.  When the electrical system in your house, or the engine in your car malfunctions you don't just throw it away as irreparable (usually) you track down the source of the malfunction and repair it.  It will then work as well (if not better than) new.
I hope for world peace.  Unrealistic maybe but, I still hope.
I hope that the American people take back control of their government and reign in this irresponsible spending that is going on.  While it is nice that we feel the need to help other countries with their natural disasters we need to care for those inside our own borders first.  How can we afford to send billions elsewhere when our schools funding is constantly being cut.
I hope that our countries children will not suffer greatly from the lack or educational opportunities that these cuts are causing.
I hope that people will realize that religion is the wrong reason to fight a war.  Oil and land aren't the right reasons either.  The only right reason would be to protect other people from being invaded and slaughtered.
I hope that while those that are Christian are forced to show tolerance and respect for other religions in the US that those other religions don't forget to show the same respect and tolerance for the Christians.
I hope that the government would make it a crime for any hate based group to protest at military (or any other) funerals.  This is not the time to make your speeches full of vitriol.  Let the family and friends mourn their loss.  Let the dead have the dignity and respect they all deserve.  (Even you haters out there deserve some dignity in death.)
I hope for the future of the entire population of our planet located just a hop, skip, and a jump from our sun.