Survival

It's one of those days again.  I can hear the thunder outside.  Why is it that thunder and lightening at night is awesome, impressive, etc but during the day it is just depressing?

Over a year ago I was laid off of a job that I really loved.  The atmosphere at work sucked though.  We had already gone through several rounds of layoffs over the last several years and though we hoped that there weren't anymore coming nobody knew for sure.  Never talk to your boss about future plans when you are frustrated at work.  I was pissed that somebody I had trusted to take care of what should have been a quick five minute edit as I was leaving for a week of volunteer work didn't do it. 

In fact from the sounds of the shit storm I walked into when I got back this person didn't even mention that I had said the edit needed to be made.  If I hadn't been catching a ride with someone else to this volunteer event I would have made it myself but was already running late.  Someone with a higher title than I should have easily been able to make such a simple fix (especially when I had told them exactly what and where as I was passing down information before leaving).

This last year has been both hell and a learning experience.

1. Hell because I was laid off (loved the job and income both).
2. My mother went into hospice at the beginning of July 2009 and passed away on the 19th.
3. Realizing that some relatives live exclusively for drama and insist that everything revolve around them.  They didn't care that their mother had lost a daughter or that children/grandchildren had lost their (grand)mother.  All this person cared about was herself and wasn't willing to be part of a supportive base for everyone else.
4. Caught swine flu while trying to attend college and prepare her memorial (delayed till October so family could all be there)
5. Found out that my extreme exhaustion (possible depression) wasn't necessarily related to MS but was probably related to a severe Vitamin D deficiency.
6. Received a call just after midnight on Mother's Day 2010 that my grandmother had passed away.  Losing her daughter and her best friend in the previous 10 months was too much for her on top of hte cancer.
7. Found out my former job was posted and applied for it.  Haven't heard word one from anyone.  I know I am qualified (they are only asking for five years experience I have almost eleven.)  It's been a month since I first contacted them about the job.  I wouldn't have even applied if both my former manager and the manager of the group with the posting hadn't encouraged it when I called.  If I was someone that they didn't know applying I would easily accept not hearing back from them but these are people I have worked for/with in the past and I would just like them to say something.
1. Don't contact us again (we wouldn't ever want you working for our company again)
2. We don't feel at this time that we are interested in you working for us.  Give us a call when you finish your latest degree program.
3. Or best of all...Sorry we didn't mean to make you wait we just didn't realize until we received your resume that you would even still be available and we are discussing which group we really want to place you in.
8. Kid turned eighteen this year and has decamped the house with plans to make her own way in the world without her horrible mother (who should have let wolves raise her because they would have been better at it) imposing on her life anymore.
9. Unemployment sucks.  
1. You are trying to squeak by on this amount that is just about the foodstamp cutoff limits.  
2. You have to go through a new waiting week every year even though you have signed up for the two year schooling plan.  
3. Everytime you think you are just about caught up to where you need to be they pull some new trick to deny your weekly claim.  (which causes late fees and pissed off creditors and landlords)
4. I understand why some people choose to be homeless.
1. I could live in my car (no utilities, no rent)
2. Living expenses would drop to about $400 a month ($300 + Storage Shed+PO box)
3. If my unemployment was f'd up again it wouldn't really matter.
4. Disadvantage --Showering facilities
5. The more I think about it the more tempting it becomes.

Typing this out was actually very cathartic.  I was balling my eyes out tempted to slit my wrists (wouldn't because it is messy and I would hate for anyone to find me like that).  Now not crying anymore and going to go out and run some errands.

Who knows maybe there will be some good news for me for a change when I get home.  A person can only tolerate so much bad shit in their lives before they break.