Survival

It's one of those days again.  I can hear the thunder outside.  Why is it that thunder and lightening at night is awesome, impressive, etc but during the day it is just depressing?

Over a year ago I was laid off of a job that I really loved.  The atmosphere at work sucked though.  We had already gone through several rounds of layoffs over the last several years and though we hoped that there weren't anymore coming nobody knew for sure.  Never talk to your boss about future plans when you are frustrated at work.  I was pissed that somebody I had trusted to take care of what should have been a quick five minute edit as I was leaving for a week of volunteer work didn't do it. 

In fact from the sounds of the shit storm I walked into when I got back this person didn't even mention that I had said the edit needed to be made.  If I hadn't been catching a ride with someone else to this volunteer event I would have made it myself but was already running late.  Someone with a higher title than I should have easily been able to make such a simple fix (especially when I had told them exactly what and where as I was passing down information before leaving).

This last year has been both hell and a learning experience.

1. Hell because I was laid off (loved the job and income both).
2. My mother went into hospice at the beginning of July 2009 and passed away on the 19th.
3. Realizing that some relatives live exclusively for drama and insist that everything revolve around them.  They didn't care that their mother had lost a daughter or that children/grandchildren had lost their (grand)mother.  All this person cared about was herself and wasn't willing to be part of a supportive base for everyone else.
4. Caught swine flu while trying to attend college and prepare her memorial (delayed till October so family could all be there)
5. Found out that my extreme exhaustion (possible depression) wasn't necessarily related to MS but was probably related to a severe Vitamin D deficiency.
6. Received a call just after midnight on Mother's Day 2010 that my grandmother had passed away.  Losing her daughter and her best friend in the previous 10 months was too much for her on top of hte cancer.
7. Found out my former job was posted and applied for it.  Haven't heard word one from anyone.  I know I am qualified (they are only asking for five years experience I have almost eleven.)  It's been a month since I first contacted them about the job.  I wouldn't have even applied if both my former manager and the manager of the group with the posting hadn't encouraged it when I called.  If I was someone that they didn't know applying I would easily accept not hearing back from them but these are people I have worked for/with in the past and I would just like them to say something.
1. Don't contact us again (we wouldn't ever want you working for our company again)
2. We don't feel at this time that we are interested in you working for us.  Give us a call when you finish your latest degree program.
3. Or best of all...Sorry we didn't mean to make you wait we just didn't realize until we received your resume that you would even still be available and we are discussing which group we really want to place you in.
8. Kid turned eighteen this year and has decamped the house with plans to make her own way in the world without her horrible mother (who should have let wolves raise her because they would have been better at it) imposing on her life anymore.
9. Unemployment sucks.  
1. You are trying to squeak by on this amount that is just about the foodstamp cutoff limits.  
2. You have to go through a new waiting week every year even though you have signed up for the two year schooling plan.  
3. Everytime you think you are just about caught up to where you need to be they pull some new trick to deny your weekly claim.  (which causes late fees and pissed off creditors and landlords)
4. I understand why some people choose to be homeless.
1. I could live in my car (no utilities, no rent)
2. Living expenses would drop to about $400 a month ($300 + Storage Shed+PO box)
3. If my unemployment was f'd up again it wouldn't really matter.
4. Disadvantage --Showering facilities
5. The more I think about it the more tempting it becomes.

Typing this out was actually very cathartic.  I was balling my eyes out tempted to slit my wrists (wouldn't because it is messy and I would hate for anyone to find me like that).  Now not crying anymore and going to go out and run some errands.

Who knows maybe there will be some good news for me for a change when I get home.  A person can only tolerate so much bad shit in their lives before they break.

Hope @ 2:30 pm

In the bright light of day where the weather is hovering around sixty degrees and a slight breeze blows every so often I sit outside listening to the sounds. I can hear the ponds waterfall splashing down.  The occasional bird chirps in the background. The squirrels chase each other along the wooden fence and up and down the trees.  My dogs are a little peeved at the moment.  It is kind of hard to enjoy nature with the dogs chasing each other or the squirrels.  So right now they are sitting in the house gazing plaintively out the window their eyes and occasional barks and yips just pleading with me to let them outside.

Today is one of those days where it is almost impossible to be sad or depressed. Everything is so bright and fresh.  The grass is lush and green.  The coffee is perfect.  Just a touch sweet with a dash of cream.  As I sit here I figure it is a great time to write something a little more upbeat than my last post.  The opposite of fear is hope so that is where I will start.

I hope that I have the courage to face whatever challenges each day may bring me.
I hope that my daughter and I can move past this cantankerous stage (on both our parts).
I hope that my grandmothers both deal well with their own health issues in the coming months.
I hope that my dad takes better care of himself so that one day when my daughter is ready to make her life's commitments he will be there to see them .
I hope that all of my family realizes how much I love them.  Though I will admit that there are some I can never like again.
I hope a cure for MS and several other neurological malfunctions can be found soon.  I find it hard to think of MS as a disease. To me diseases are contagious. While there is the possibility that MS is hereditary if I sneeze on you, you aren't going to fall ill with MS.  Malfunction seems a much better word choice.  When the electrical system in your house, or the engine in your car malfunctions you don't just throw it away as irreparable (usually) you track down the source of the malfunction and repair it.  It will then work as well (if not better than) new.
I hope for world peace.  Unrealistic maybe but, I still hope.
I hope that the American people take back control of their government and reign in this irresponsible spending that is going on.  While it is nice that we feel the need to help other countries with their natural disasters we need to care for those inside our own borders first.  How can we afford to send billions elsewhere when our schools funding is constantly being cut.
I hope that our countries children will not suffer greatly from the lack or educational opportunities that these cuts are causing.
I hope that people will realize that religion is the wrong reason to fight a war.  Oil and land aren't the right reasons either.  The only right reason would be to protect other people from being invaded and slaughtered.
I hope that while those that are Christian are forced to show tolerance and respect for other religions in the US that those other religions don't forget to show the same respect and tolerance for the Christians.
I hope that the government would make it a crime for any hate based group to protest at military (or any other) funerals.  This is not the time to make your speeches full of vitriol.  Let the family and friends mourn their loss.  Let the dead have the dignity and respect they all deserve.  (Even you haters out there deserve some dignity in death.)
I hope for the future of the entire population of our planet located just a hop, skip, and a jump from our sun.

2:30 am

Fear @ 2:30 am

Tonight is one of those nights were I dozed off at 1:30 and just jerked myself awake thinking that there was something I needed to do bright and early this morning.

Guess what it isn't bright outside but, it is definitely early.  Way to early.  The stars are still gazing down peacefully on the earth.  It's all quiet except for Pandora playing softly in the background.  The music of choice right now is my Enya station.  This was supposed to help me tune out the dogs if they started rough housing again.

All I really wanted was a good nights sleep.  However tonight I feel like The Princess and the Pea.  There is an invisible pea (or 20) in my bed tonight.  No position is comfortable and the weakness in my left leg is playing up.

Man do I hate that.  I don't like admitting to any weakness.  However, since I was diagnosed with MS four years ago now, I have to admit that it probably isn't a pinched nerve.  That was the initial thought by the PAs at work.  So now I have to wonder is my brain in the process of attacking itself again or in that short 45 minutes or so that I dozed did I somehow sleep on my side wrong?

I have had two great fears in my life one of them was going blind the other was being buried alive.  I have discovered many other fears since this diagnosis happened.

• I fear waking up and not having my left leg support me as I get out of bed.  There are mornings now where I don't jump out of bed but test the waters a little first and make sure that I wont fall flat before letting go of the bed.
  
• I fear the loss of words. An occasional slip of the word that I wanted to say was no big deal.  Now however, I always wonder when those occasional slips while become almost Alzheimer's type moments with more and more frequency.
• I fear the impact this disease has had on my daughters life. I have become too cautious while at the same time being to crabby.
  
• I fear having no one in my life.  While the idea of peace and quiet in my house is really appealing; what happens in a couple months when I am truly living by myself for the first time since I was a teenager?
• I fear that I am unlovable.  After all has anybody loved me so far?
  
• I fear that I don't actually have anything in life left to live for.  My plans for great vacations always involved hiking, horse back riding.  I had actually gotten my motorcycle endorsement about a year before I was diagnosed.  I was going to wait a year and buy my own bike.  Now:
• I fear that my left side would give out on my while riding that bike.  In my mind (that is betraying me) I can feel my body impacting with the ground as I slide fifty feet or so.  My teeth jarring violently inside my mouth with the taste of copper and fear combining with the pain.
• I fear that I won't live long enough to meet my grandchildren.  My daughter plans on having them but not for a good 8-10 years. Even if I do; will I be able to make cookies with them or take them to the beach to fly kites like I took my daughter?
  
• I fear that I will live too long and be placed in a nursing home where the CNAs are overworked and underpaid.  A home where the food is slop that is designed for nutrition but not texture or taste.

Mostly it's 2:30 in the morning and I fear.